As I sit here trying to remember the last time I felt this way I can honestly say I don’t remember how long it’s been. Knowing my state of mind right now I would say that’s a good thing.
We can all agree that some days are better than others. Sometimes we just shrug off the little irritations and easily move on. Other days it might be a bit more hard but we don’t fall into deep despair. For whatever reason we just don’t. If I knew the reason that we didn’t fall deep I would write and talk and even scream it from the rooftops so that I could save everyone who ever thought of leaving this world. But the truth is no one knows the answer because there IS no answer. The simplest sensitivity can spiral so far out of control that contemplating self destruction appears to be the only answer. It’s obviously not but it FEELS that way. It truly does. And I’m here to tell you that all of the things that you are supposed to tell yourself don’t work: “This too shall pass”, “give it to God”, “change the way you think about the situation”. In fact self dialogue can be detrimental to your health. Seriously, at this point YOU should NOT be having a conversation by yourself about your problems. You can inflict a pain so excruciating that it may difficult if not impossible to turn back. And now you know what happens to some people and why they leave us.
Many people don’t understand what it’s like to be so low that you don’t see way of getting back up. The light at the end of the tunnel is so dim and that tunnel keeps getting longer and longer until the only vision you have is complete darkness. It’s easy for certain people to judge and tell us that they would never contemplate ending their life. Good for you, but that has absolutely no bearing on someone who does, and you saying that doesn’t make them feel better, often times only worse.
I’m not killing myself. I never want to get myself into that kind of predicament again. I was there, twice. The view from the hell that you’re living in is so painful that you become numb to most of the precious things the world has to offer. Music no longer changes your soul. Humor evolves into blah blah blah, make it stop. You morph into this human in a makeshift cocoon-like state, wondering endlessly around like a blind animal.
Some days are bad. Today was bad. One of the worst. However I’m still here, writing my blog and coming to terms with my feelings. I’m alone and that’s good. Well I’m not really alone, I’ve got Florence and the Machine. Today we identify. Now if you don’t mind I’m gonna go pull the earth around me. Please enjoy: