Tag Archives: life

Some Days are Bad

As I sit here trying to remember the last time I felt this way I can honestly say I don’t remember how long it’s been.  Knowing my state of mind right now I would say that’s a good thing.

We can all agree that some days are better than others.  Sometimes we just shrug off the little irritations and easily move on.  Other days it might be a bit more hard but we don’t fall into deep despair.  For whatever reason we just don’t.  If  I knew the reason that we didn’t fall deep I would write and talk and even scream it from the rooftops so that I could save everyone who ever thought of leaving this world.  But the truth is no one knows the answer because there IS no answer.  The simplest sensitivity can spiral so far out of control that contemplating self destruction appears to be the only answer.  It’s obviously not but it FEELS that way.  It truly does.  And I’m here to tell you that all of the things that you are supposed to tell yourself don’t work:  “This too shall pass”, “give it to God”, “change the way you think about the situation”.  In fact self dialogue can be detrimental to your health.  Seriously, at this point YOU should NOT be having a conversation by yourself about your problems.  You can inflict a pain so excruciating that it may difficult if not impossible to turn back.  And now you know what happens to some people and why they leave us.

Many people don’t understand what it’s like to be so low that you don’t see way of getting back up.  The light at the end of the tunnel is so dim and that tunnel keeps getting longer and longer until the only vision you have is complete darkness.  It’s easy for certain people to judge and tell us that they would never contemplate ending their life.  Good for you, but that has absolutely no bearing on someone who does, and you saying that doesn’t make them feel better, often times only worse.

I’m not killing myself.  I never want to get myself into that kind of predicament again.  I was there, twice.  The view from the hell that you’re living in is so painful that you become numb to most of the precious things the world has to offer.  Music no longer changes your soul.  Humor evolves into blah blah blah, make it stop.  You morph into this human in a makeshift cocoon-like state, wondering endlessly around like a blind animal.

Some days are bad.  Today was bad.  One of the worst.  However I’m still here, writing my blog and coming to terms with my feelings.  I’m alone and that’s good.  Well I’m not really alone, I’ve got Florence and the Machine.  Today we identify.  Now if you don’t mind I’m gonna go pull the earth around me.  Please enjoy:







Identity Crisis

How many times have you had the opportunity in your life to take a break from reality?  I would guess that most would say never.  I mean that aside from a weekend getaway here and there, I pretty much kept going with my day-to-day activities through quite a few road blocks and dead ends.  The 6 1/2 year winding road of my most recent job had its highs and lows, for sure.  I kind of “happened” into this job and I’m proud to say that I made it my own.  I enjoyed taking on greater responsibilities and leadership, and I found myself using the authority I had to gauge my own happiness.  If I succeeded with stressful day to day activities I became proud with my abilities.  If I failed, especially when I hired employees who turned out to be a shocking disappointment, I took the defeat hard.  Toward the end of my employment, I was defeated not only with employees but with general activities, though no fault of my own.  I became disconcerted with the direction I was going and morally defeated.

Fast forward to today.  I’ve been extremely lucky enough to have the ability to take a step back and have a good look at my wants, needs and desires in this new life.  Don’t get me wrong, I will not be able to drag my feet and continue to search for my identity for a long length of time. The clock is ticking, but there are no alarms set at this time.  I wake up every morning realizing this, and every single day my personal search for my true identity plays over and over in my mind.

Initially I started out in a bad place.  I judged myself, I judged others and I became withdrawn and closed off to my family.   Even when I thought that I was handling everything okay, my head and my gut told me otherwise.  I can honestly say that I don’t like to let anyone into this dark place with me, so I don’t get the help that I probably need.  I do it on my own, my way, my time.  I’ve expressed hints of complications that my brain is trying to wrap itself around to a few, but I inevitably continue to blow off suggestions and concern.  It’s my process.

Personally I’ve struggled with close relationships, if you regularly read my blog you know that.  I’ve never really encountered such problems with my work though.  At my age and with all the world has going on right now, you’ve got to be ready for just about anything.  I’ve stalled but I haven’t completely faltered.

I would like to say that my compass is working properly, but that’s not necessarily true just yet.  But it’s in my hands, and the direction I go will hopefully be an exciting adventure.

Please take a moment to listen to this oldie but goodie.  I heard it yesterday driving Grae to school and I can’t stop wanting to listen to it.  If you listen to the words, twist them around a little bit, you’ll feel my mental status at this point.



You May Say I’m a Dreamer, But I’m Not the Only One.

Here we are again, celebrating a New Year.  Those of us that are lucky enough to say goodbye to 2014 and welcome in 2015 with open arms might be contemplating our life, just as I am right now.

I recently read a blog called “Breaking the chains-A story of self transformation, which you can read here:http://www.thechangeblog.com/self-transformation/

Kelsey Frizzell writes about always having the desire to dream of a more exciting life.  I can remember when I was young, thinking that I could act just as well as the actresses I watched on TV.  I could sing just as good and some of the biggest pop stars.  I remember thinking Barbara Streisand wasn’t all that.  I could hit those high notes just as she did so effortlessly.  I was completely wrong, and I know that now, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming.

High School brought the dream of being with the perfectly adorable boy who just happened to be nice to me that day.  I wasn’t the popular girl in school, in fact far from it.  When a boy caught my eye, I would go off into never never land and dream of getting married, having his children and living a life happily ever after.

The Art Institute was an entirely different dream.  I would become this fabulous fashionista, traveling to New York City, even possibly living there.  I would rub elbows with the elite designers and wear expensive clothes made specially for me.  I would have a prestigious career and be the envy of all my friends.

I married the love of my life and I dreamed of owning the perfect house, in the most prestigious neighborhood, with the brightest children, living the good life.   I would never struggle, never lose, and always have the best of everything.

Aside from one or two of my dreams coming true (my children make me so proud), I haven’t seen many of my dreams come true, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming.  Now I have changed my dreams a lot over the years, depending on my situation and desires at the time.  But one thing holds true:  I NEVER STOPPED DREAMING.

Dreams are what makes your life exciting.  We dream to step out  of our reality and into the possibility that there might be something bigger in store for us.  The future is always brighter and fantasy might even become reality.

I like to include music to go along with the idea of my post, so please turn this one up and enjoy, while you dream…

This Woman’s Work


Growing up with very little self esteem was difficult.  I think low self worth keeps you from being who you want to be and really doing what you should be doing.  Wearing a “kick me” sign walking down the halls of high school didn’t help either.  It’s true.  The girl on the left side of the picture above was teased and bullied in school.  But this post is not about bullying.  It’s about my worth.  Mine and every woman’s worth.

Finding your worth might be a long, lonely road.  Realizing that you make a difference in somebody’s life, maybe many lives.  Recognizing that every day things that you do and take for granted make so many lives easier and happier.  Sometimes waking up every day is difficult, filled with so much pain.  Work by definition is the exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something.  We as women produce and accomplish every single day.   We provide love and a safe haven for our children.  We have consideration and empathy for our fellow human beings.  We care for our families, our significant others, even complete strangers.  We continue to make a difference, yet I think many don’t realize it.  A kind word or friendly smile can turn grey skies blue.

We as women have made a difference.  Our work is never done.  It’s our job, our adventure of sorts.  I don’t think we take it that seriously, but we should.  On this, the eve of Mother’s Day, lets reflect on all the times that a woman made our lives easier, more secure and made us feel more loved.

Happy Mother’s Day, to ALL WOMEN.

Please watch the video, This Woman’s Work by Hope Murphy.  This girl has a beautiful voice.  She gives me chills and was the inspiration for my post today.


The Point of No Return

Life is a journey.  It takes us on ups and downs, like a roller coaster.  We ride the coaster because there are some good, exciting parts that keeps us going even after we go through the bad parts.  Optimism.

Sometimes, the coaster is a drag.  It’s slow, it has no exciting parts.  You’ve waiting forever for what you thought was going to be a fun time, and it was a dud.

That’s where I’m at right now.  I’m on a dud roller coaster.  Yes, I’m guilty of continuing to get back on the coaster, knowing full well that it’s boring as hell.  There are no adventurous turns.  I’m in the dark most of the time.  I’ve paid full price to get on the ride.  No discounts.  There are no refunds.  It’s too late.  I’m sitting in the seat and there are no seat belts.  Hold on, get a good grip, you’re on for the duration.

I have to admit, sometimes I want to jump from the ride mid-stream.  I want to get the hell off the ride, not caring where I land or where my mangled body will end up.

Those feelings are getting more frequent.

I think I’ve reached the point of no return.  The fear of what will happen after I jump is not as bad as sticking with the boring ride.  It’s getting to that point.

I’m listening to Nina Simone, Feeling Good.



They’re talking but we are we listening?

Ya know,  if you sit and think about it a little bit, our lives are filled with a lot of noise.  It starts early in the morning.  We wake up to our alarm,  reminding us to get up and seize the day.  I wake up with music, the song “Happy” by Pharrell.  By the way,  if you need a good song to wake up to,  try that one.  I honestly have a much better morning if I awake with a good tune that I can dance to.  In fact,  I’m listening right now,  just to give me inspiration for this blog.

Digression is real.  Apologies.

Back to noise.  The sizzling of scrambled eggs cooking in the pan.  Coffee perking.  The morning news on the T.V.  Shower running.  My dryer even plays a whole song when it finishes a load of clothes.  A. Whole. Song.  Humming of the car on the drive to work.  Music obviously playing.  And if I can’t find a song to sing to, I jump from station to station, because I simply MUST sing along.  Walking along the paved sidewalk with heels clicking on the way to my building.  You get the picture.

Have you ever thought of all the noise we don’t hear?  I’m speaking specifically about  perceived noise.  Noise that amplifies like a megaphone from another human being,  yet we “hear” nothing.  A loved one,  a friend,  a complete stranger.  They’re speaking to us,  telling us who they are, what they want and how we should give it to them,  yet there is no voice.

For instance you’re driving down the road,  minding your own business, and if you’re me you’re also singing, when you happen to glance into the rear view mirror.  Oh, where the heck did they come from?  Another person kinda riding your butt,  obviously not happy about being late or just a speedy kind of person,  we don’t know for sure.  Their aggravated driving tells us that they are in a damn hurry.   We know that.  But in the comfort of their own car,  are they blaring out their quick-to-anger personality to us and everyone in their path?


I just had a staff member request something from me last minute,  and she forgot to put in a request for it.  I was able to help her out, but when she came to pick up said item,  she said “I should have brought you a coffee (for helping her out of a jam)”.  What is she saying to me?  If she were a nice person,  she  should have repaid my favor saving her ass and show her appreciation by purchasing a cup of morning java?  Does not actually doing that but telling me she should have  make her a not-so-nice person?

Again, maybe.

And then there are the actions of loved ones.  Now we grew up with them, they grew up with us,  we all grew up at one point with family.  I’m gonna come right out and say this.  We all  aren’t created the same.  They very well may have had the same parents,  they may be the same sex, or maybe not.  But they are different.  They think differently.  One member could be considerate while the other is self centered.  And for the most part we can’t understand why.  How could Susie not want to go to college?  Why doesn’t Jimmy take better care of his house?  We don’t get it.  But they are talking.  Not with words, more with silent actions.  They tell us that THAT is who THEY are.  They aren’t like you.  They’re different.  Treat them accordingly.  You don’t hear from Betsy and you wonder why?  Truth is Betsy likes being a loner.  Don’t beat her into submission.  She LIKES who she is.  Maybe you need to constantly bail out Ben.  He’s a slacker.  He tells you that all the time with his actions.  You just aren’t listening.  We sit and ponder about why people do what they do.  Why aren’t they more like me?  I mean we lived in the same house,  for God’s sake.  We need to quit trying to change them and try to change ourselves.  Does little Mikey refuse to pick up his clothes?  Leave them.  When you choose to make another person conform to YOUR ideals,  you’re fighting city hall.  I’m not saying it will be easy,  after all they should WANT to do things to make you happy, right?


We hear the coffee perking,  we hear the phone ringing, but we refuse to hear the signals that others are sending.   There are exceptions, certainly.  We need to give our kids good morals.  Wings so that they can eventually fly I like to say.  But when adulthood sets in,  we need to do just that….let them fly.  Quit the judgement and expectation of conformity.   Treat others as they treat you.  After all, they’re telling us how to treat them.

But are you listening?