Monthly Archives: June 2015

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When I write my blog, I really try to convey the way I feel about a certain subject.  Me.  As many times as I’ve tried to figure out the “why’s” surrounding certain dilemmas in my life, I try very very hard not to judge another person’s perception of what they believe to be reality, because that will get you into trouble.  Every. Single. Time.

Age makes you wiser, if only about yourself.  Luckily I’ve been able to determine what makes me tick.  The little nuances that make my life my own.  Only I can feel the way “I” feel.  I can be judged on my actions by others, but I know who I am.  I know what makes me happy, sad, angry, etc.

If I ever say that I meant no ill will, I’m not exaggerating.  I get mad like the rest of us, but I make every attempt not to retaliate.  I can say there have only been a couple of times in my life where I felt vindicated by a random act of revenge.  And even my form of revenge is pretty much non-threatening.  It just makes me feel better….

A little over a week ago I got a phone call that I realize has changed so many lives, instantaneously.  The depth of the sadness has yet to be completely seen, and I pray that the intensity of the matter keeps itself relatively contained to allow all in it’s path of mental stability AND instability to grieve however their bodies need to.  There is no cookie-cutter way to grieve,  we all do it in different ways.  I think it has a lot to do with a person’s perception of the events, as well as their perception of their own life.

I’ve had some time to think about the significant departure of a human being that for all intents and purposes created a lot of “life” in this world.   I’ve kind of been on the outside looking in, a quiet spectator of sorts.  I’ve reached out to a few of the people who were closest to this individual and have listened to and read stories about her life.  Her mark in the world.  Now I won’t pretend to completely know this creature who now resides in Heaven with all her glamorous eccentricities.  I had a friendly connection, only being allowed to see a one side of what truly made this girl who she was.  The one constant reminder of her life was that she was  passionate.  One of the most passionate people that I know.  I find a real connection in that, not sure why.  If that girl loved you, she loved you HARD.  In the same token, if she disliked you, you felt her wrath.  What once was considered a transparent personality, many have found that she was not as cut and dry as originally thought.  The nuances surrounding her life were as detailed and closely guarded as one that you might find in an average undercover operation.  She only let you see what she wanted you to see, and each view was different depending on your relationship with her.

Her existence in this world will forever be a complex inquisition for many of her loved ones and close friends.  As much as she was “out there”,  she was also more grounded and in touch with her purpose than possibly anyone will ever know.  We like to put people into a specific class.  It makes us feel better.  Let’s label them, we’ll be able to sleep better at night knowing that we’ve categorized them into a specific file, in a distinct box according to their behavior toward us.  We judge.  We assume that we know what they are going through in their lives, why they acted as they did.  In our minds we have figured out what makes them tick, why their auspicious  future seemed to take a vacation South.  If we try to pinpoint the exact time in which they fell short of our expectations, we can somehow reside to the fact that we can hold no fault in our own actions, it’s “them” not “us”.  I mean, how many times have you just looked at someone and thought to yourself, “glad it’s them and not me”?  Or “wow, who lives their life like that”?  I probably think that way on a daily basis.

On a side note, as I’m typing this, and it’s taken me a few days to do it.   As I start and stop several times, I continue to get an “unresponsive script” error message.  In one of my previous blogs, “Signs”, you will understand that I’m a firm believer in signs, and I’m taking this as just another sign from beyond.  It’s kind of comforting knowing that she’s here with me, joking around and probably laughing her ass off as I try to get through this computer glitch.  Typical of her humor I bet.

I envision this beautiful young girl, long brown hair blowing in the wind, riding off on her wild horse into her new home, making it her own.

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In Your Eyes

I was recently told by someone close to me that I never have a nice thing to say.  Needless to say I was a bit taken a back by this accusation, but then I started thinking about it.  I began to think about all of the statements I had made that day.  And you know what, he was absolutely right!  I’m stuck in the “complainer” rut.  I’ve really never had many pleasing things to say to a certain “someone”.

So after shedding about  a million tears over the realization that I’m truly not in a good place and a legitimately bad person, I decided to make a change.  I’m not gonna complain.  I will, instead take the shit storm that’s handed to me and look for the good, as I do when any sort of catastrophic event happens in the world.  After all, this is MY world, my life.  Time to take control of it.

For instance:

1.  When there is an excavator/operator digging up stumps in my back yard, instead of going nuts over the mud drug in and smeared all over the floor by my dogs, I will relish in the fact that I’m lucky enough to have 2 pets who would by all accounts, jump in front of a bullet for me.  They would protect me at all costs.  How many people can say that?

2.  When my living room couch is getting soiled by a certain someone not showering and sleeping in their dirty, dusty clothes on probably a piece of furniture that won’t be replaced for a very long time, I will realize that without that scumbag, I would have to work 2 or 3 jobs just to get by.

I just giggled a little….

3.  Even though I was promised that I could replace “my” 9-year-old car this summer, unbeknownst to me, plans have changed and I will need to drive the sucker til it dies.  I will look on the bright side of things and be happy with the fact that I don’t have to walk to work, that my car’s air conditioner still is operating fine, and I actually still feel safe driving it.  And a “sticking gas pedal” could be realistically considered with the age of the vehicle.  Hope no definitive subjects are around if that happens.  Heehee

4.  When I watch a specific “someone” complete jobs that I myself have actually asked to be completed at my own home, I will realize that patience is a virtue and karma is a mother fucking BITCH.

Okay now I’m laughing out loud.

5.  When I get annoyed to the point of using a visual massacre of sorts on one specific unambiguous individual, I will bite my tongue, smile nicely at the pathetic prick and realize that I’m so lucky to have the natural ability to be so much smarter than he’ll ever be, without even trying.

Man, I can already feel my bitchy personality lifting…

6.  Each and every time I am reminded that I am a bad Mother/parent, I will just look at my 3 beautiful, wonderful, highly intelligent and perfectly mannered children and realize that he didn’t have an ounce of participation in that, aside from the obvious sperm related assistance.  I’ll smile inside my heart, knowing that my children would do anything and have done EVERYTHING for me, and just knowing that makes me 100 times better than he’ll ever know.

7.  When I’m being judged on my appearance, whether it be my wet hair, lack of red lipstick or fat ass, I’ll stare intently into his eyes and know that with his circa 1980’s hair and clothing choices, I WAKE UP looking better than that self serving, egotistical heap of maggot infested shit.

Holy cow, I guess all you need is a little nudge in the right direction.  Thanks G.  I can finally see the light.

8.  When I feel neglected and persecuted by the outside world and try to plead my case and request sympathy, which has always and will continue to be persecuted and demeaned by the “constant” in life, I will instead stop myself from having the needy, criticizing wounded puppy attitude and be happy that I have had the advantage of dealing with one of the biggest offenders of ass-hole-iness and recognize when I need to step back and take a breath.  They are literally EVERYWHERE.  Asshats unite.  The king is alive and well, operating in my own home.

Whew, I feel better already.  Geez, this whole “nicer attitude” thing is really cool.

Please enjoy one of my favorite songs in the whole wide world, Night Swimming by R.E.M.  It’s a feel good song with a whimsical tune that will turn that frown upside down.   I’ve also included the inspiration song for my blog post today.

Cheers Bitches.  Whoops…