Once again a very sad Christmas. Why is it that this particular season sends me into a depressive spiral? Do I have expectations that are too high? Not high enough?

I’m not a perfectionist. I’m one of those people who accepts the reality of the situation. Relatively at least. I know what is and what SHOULD be. However I’m just not feeling it this year. And this isn’t my first Christmas Rodeo with that mindset.

As I sit here making a blog post after several years, I wonder if this holiday has ever been the mesmerizing, feel good holiday that I’ve always wished for. But is that reality or some made up scheme that retail and God has wanted us to believe?

MY life in a nutshell: I’m in some sort or pain 24/7. My job gives me grief. My husband lacks empathy. My alcohol consumption has gotten out of control. Maybe due to the prior issues.

Here’s what I know; my life is out of control and I don’t see an end in sight. One could offer therapy or rehab. Bu would that rehabilitate my soul enough? Doubtful. Toxicity comes in many forms. Mindset is more likely to change, but how? I don’t have the to ammunition to change it. I try and fail. Nobody understands. But isn’t that the norm for everyone like me?

Growing up I had many horrible incidences that changed my make up. Changed who I was molded to be. Unfortunately for me. Have I recovered-NO. But I’ve gotten this far so I should be good, right?

For the most part I’ve dealt with my demons. But have I?

I’m sad. I wish for that ” good feeling” that Christmas brings. As much as I try, I can’t get there. I don’t wanna be sad. Mad. Distant. My here I am.

I wanna go but I wanna stay. I wanna leave this earth but my kids would miss me. I know this for a fact. Yet the pain is so overbearing that it makes it difficult to breath.

Nobody can help me. I can only help myself, but I can’t. Where do I go from here?

Here is what I know: I LOVE MY KIDS. But I also know that I made sure they are all three good people. Maybe my job here is done.

I’m sure that none of the three would want me to leave. But I feel empty. And in immense pain that hasn’t been fixed either by medicine. My pain is all consuming. Living with that is an absolute nightmare. As much s I try I can’t on top of that. I will be the first one that will say that heathcare absolutely sucks.

What do I want? Relief. Amnesia to my childhood memories.

My wish is that my kids have the best life that any person could have. I pray for that. While I can still pray. It’s always been for my family. Never to mean to break anyone’s heart.

Remember me.