How many times have you had the opportunity in your life to take a break from reality? I would guess that most would say never. I mean that aside from a weekend getaway here and there, I pretty much kept going with my day-to-day activities through quite a few road blocks and dead ends. The 6 1/2 year winding road of my most recent job had its highs and lows, for sure. I kind of “happened” into this job and I’m proud to say that I made it my own. I enjoyed taking on greater responsibilities and leadership, and I found myself using the authority I had to gauge my own happiness. If I succeeded with stressful day to day activities I became proud with my abilities. If I failed, especially when I hired employees who turned out to be a shocking disappointment, I took the defeat hard. Toward the end of my employment, I was defeated not only with employees but with general activities, though no fault of my own. I became disconcerted with the direction I was going and morally defeated.
Fast forward to today. I’ve been extremely lucky enough to have the ability to take a step back and have a good look at my wants, needs and desires in this new life. Don’t get me wrong, I will not be able to drag my feet and continue to search for my identity for a long length of time. The clock is ticking, but there are no alarms set at this time. I wake up every morning realizing this, and every single day my personal search for my true identity plays over and over in my mind.
Initially I started out in a bad place. I judged myself, I judged others and I became withdrawn and closed off to my family. Even when I thought that I was handling everything okay, my head and my gut told me otherwise. I can honestly say that I don’t like to let anyone into this dark place with me, so I don’t get the help that I probably need. I do it on my own, my way, my time. I’ve expressed hints of complications that my brain is trying to wrap itself around to a few, but I inevitably continue to blow off suggestions and concern. It’s my process.
Personally I’ve struggled with close relationships, if you regularly read my blog you know that. I’ve never really encountered such problems with my work though. At my age and with all the world has going on right now, you’ve got to be ready for just about anything. I’ve stalled but I haven’t completely faltered.
I would like to say that my compass is working properly, but that’s not necessarily true just yet. But it’s in my hands, and the direction I go will hopefully be an exciting adventure.
Please take a moment to listen to this oldie but goodie. I heard it yesterday driving Grae to school and I can’t stop wanting to listen to it. If you listen to the words, twist them around a little bit, you’ll feel my mental status at this point.