Monthly Archives: May 2015

What is Love?

I just remembered that my husband has an appointment with a cardiologist today.  In fact, he just called…..which is something that occurs regularly.  I may pick up the phone to call him, and the phone will ring with him on the other end, and vice versa.  Now one could look at that as a sort of “meant to be” relationship.  I used to, but I’m not necessarily sure about that now.  Regardless, it happens…which brings me to writing this blog today.

What is love?  I’m sure we can all attest to some of the “things” we love in life.  Why does chocolate always come to mind first?  It does for me, anyway.  A soft rain on a quiet evening.  Getting all green lights when you’re in a hurry.  I’m sure there are many “loves” that we take for granted, but what about real love.  I’m sure if you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you know I have BIG LOVE for my kids, that’s a given.  But what if you’re in kind of a rocky relationship.  Is it possible to actually still love that person.  Is it a different love?  I mean, it’s obviously different than it was when you were dating and married but still pretty much getting along.  What happens when you kind of fall out of love with your significant other, but you still care.  Is that love?  It’s a general caring, but does that go under the “love” heading?

He’s seeing a doctor for an enlarged heart (cardomegaly).  Can you believe I just googled the symptoms and causes?  Again, those of you who know me KNOW that I would have googled that two months ago when I made his appointment.  So sitting here at my desk and reading the causes, I kinda got sick to my stomach, for a couple of reasons.  First off, there are the “what ifs”.  What if it’s bad, requires surgery?   What if it changes his work schedule?  He’s not a friend to change, they battle literally all day every day.  What if medication changes his personality.  Okay, I just giggled a bit, that might actually be AWESOME.  What if today, our lives will change significantly and maybe not for the better?  I mean I care if he lives or dies, that’s for sure, and not just for monetary reasons.  I don’t wish bad things on him, other than an occasional mild case of dysentery.  Maybe a bad haircut which accentuates his larger facial features.  Wearing a clothing tag on his jeans, you know the one that’s a long, see thru tape with the size printed on it about 20 times?  Those kinds of things I’ve wished for sure.

Having just read an article that strongly suggested telling the ones you love that you do indeed LOVE them, simply because you just never know when you may not have the opportunity to do so.  I get that, I really do. So what do you call what you feel for the person who doesn’t give you butterflies anymore?  The person who makes you mad more than happy?  I can’t even say “I like you a lot”…..but I can’t say I hate you.  So…..what is that kind of love?

I’m going to go home and wait for him to let me know how the appointment went.  He won’t call and tell me about his appointment.  He’ll want to tell me face to face, he loves my undivided attention.  I’ll have questions and he won’t have answers, that’s a given.  His “head in the sand” mentality will shine brightly today.  So we’ll see, but in the meantime, have a  listen to this song by Tim McGraw.  Every single time I hear it I think of our relationship.


Three Decades

For Better or for Worse, For Richer or for Poorer, In Sickness and in Health, til Death us do Part.

Who knew I’d have all of these.  Damn you wedding vows.

Thirty years ago today, I turned in my single girl life for that of a married woman. I’ve had some good times, but mostly bad.  We’ve been more rich than poor, and more poor than rich.   I’ve been pretty sick, and for the most part, he’s been relatively healthy.  And there are times that I’d like to kill him, and I’m sure that he feels the same way about me.  I don’t carry a gun for reasons of safety—HIS!

I could be all sad and gloomy today, we aren’t even talking, but I’m gonna channel all my energy into remembering the good times.

When I first started dating Dave, the first I remember thinking was, “wow, this guy is a lot of fun….and sooooo good-looking”.  It seemed like this union was meant to be, right from the beginning.  I think there was a mutual attraction on both sides, and within 2 months I was proposing marriage to him in the McDonald’s of Olympia Shopping Center.  Yep my idea, and he was all in.  We were inseparable, him even driving from work late one evening, through a pretty nice size snow storm.  I can still see his dump truck sliding around the bend at the bottom of Bayard Street, getting ready to trek up the brick hill to my house.  There aren’t really words to describe how it feels to have somebody want to see you that badly.  Risking life and limb comes to mind, which is pretty much what he did on a regular basis.  And that felt really really good.  I used to make him steak, mashed potatoes and gravy with a salad with ranch dressing.  He never ate salads before, and he was in love, love with the salad AND me.

I would leave class at the Art Institute and shop for a card for him.  Just a random card, sometimes funny, sometimes heart-felt.  I found a very cool store in PPG place downtown.  I would sign the cards Mrs. David Gossman, even on the return address.  His mother was THRILLED!  I just wanted him to know that I thought about him all day long.

We were both excited to be pregnant with our first child.  Still practically kids ourselves, we were entering this new adventure with such enthusiasm.  He used to talk to the baby, we both named “Roxanne” after the song by The Police.  Now don’t listen to the words, that’s not what the name was about.  We loved singing the song, being kind of rock, kind of punk.  We enjoyed a lot of the same things.

Roxanne turned out to be male, and then the real fun began.  Being young and having a baby has its downfalls, that’s for sure, but it’s also just a blast.  We used to take road trips and the baby went everywhere with us.  Dave started working more and I started seeing less of him, but we still had that spark.

Four and a half years later we had a baby girl who finally got to use the “Roxanne” name, albeit in the middle.  Times were getting tougher, but she was the light of her dad’s life.  Babe-in-suit and all, she made our lives complete.  One boy, one girl and a nice little family.  We still traveled, weekends and Myrtle Beach vacations.  One road trip that stands out was a trip to Tucker County, with a visit to the countries smallest church.  Everything we did that day just seemed so in sync with each other.  One year he surprised me and the two of us flew to Florida for my birthday.  Having a birthday in December, somehow it always seemed to snow on that day making it difficult if not impossible to go anywhere to celebrate.  That was probably one of the best weekends in our marriage.  I’ll remember it forever and a day.

Dave and I still managed to make time for each other, going out on weekends and just having fun.  He’s the type of person who has quick wit and can really make you laugh hard.  No need for sit ups, he’ll make you belly laugh those stomach muscles into shape.  (Secretly wish that was a real thing)

Fast forward 11 years and surprise, we’re pregnant again.  Things seem to have gone down hill after that, pressures of making enough money to support a family and all that that entails.  Another son to add to our family.  He would turn out to be a difficult baby and toddler as well.  The spitting image of his dad, in more ways than one. One of these days I’ll write a blog about this lil dude, he’s definitely a trip for sure.

To this day my husband can still make me laugh.  We don’t have what we did, and although I try to never say never, we probably won’t ever be the same as we were.  I’ll just keep holding onto the good memories as long as I can, and just think about what we use to have.  That will get me through another day.  Oh, and this song…good times.

Frustration multiplied by 100

My experience with doctors, nurses and health insurance these past couple of years has been horrendous, and that’s putting it mildly.  I’m not alone, this is currently happening with close members of my family as well.  I will only discuss my own issues here, since hearing an experience first hand is always best.

I’ve been treated for a few medical problems that continue to go undiagnosed.  This has been going on for about 15 months.  I don’t need to be specific about my personal health obstacles, because this blog is not about health dilemmas.  Today I will discuss members of the medical field and the laws that seem to govern healthcare today.

First off, it’s incredibly rare that you find a doctor who gives one flying fuck about you or your problems.  Excuse the use of foul language, and if this is something that bothers you, stop reading now because this will contaminate your virgin ears with relatively atrocious language.

If you’re still with me, welcome.  High five to you and your filthy mouth.

Doctor’s and their companion physician assistants are some of the worst people practicing their form of medicine, while still continuing to be paid nicely for their service or lack thereof.  They don’t care about you, they truly only care about themselves.  Period.  They hide behind the Rod of Asclepius with the kind of cowardice snobbery that we’ve sadly become more than accustom to over the past decade. The days of caring about the health and welfare of patients is now all but a distant memory.  No one is trying to figure out what’s going on with you.  They are medicating the symptoms and not finding a solution to the problem.  That’s only if you can find a doctor who really feels like working the day of your visit, and you can get past the irritable bitches in the front office.  Why are they all so mad?  What could possibly make a person be miserable EVERY SINGLE DAY?  I’m looking forward to the “off day” that they might actually treat me kindly.  I’m not permitted to be evil to people in my office/workplace, why are they?  Do they fly under the radar because their boss is actually the doctor you’ll be seeing,  with other things on their mind like golfing or golfing?  Yep, I’m stereotyping and guess what…..I couldn’t give two shits.  I’ve always appreciated and given accolades where accolades are due when it comes to the amount of studying and working and schooling that encompasses being a doctor.  There’s a certain amount of respect that you MUST give those individuals who take they Hippocratic Oath, that’s a given.  If you haven’t read the Hippocratic Oath recently or EVER, go have a read.  Someone needs to update that shit.  No wonder we are where we are in the medical world.  They take the Oath and then forget everything it stands for.  Again, I’m assuming and generalizing.  This is due to the fact that I’ve seen probably 30 random doctors/offices/testing facilities over the period of 5-6 years.

I’m not all that old, but I can remember about 20-25 years ago when healthcare was actually that, CARE OF YOUR HEALTH.  Anyone remember when doctor’s and the like made house calls?  Can you imagine someone caring THAT MUCH about you?  Yeah, me either.  Not anymore.

Ok, so I believe there has been a death of sorts as far as the practice of medicine goes.  Speaking from a managerial stand point, with every problem we should find three solutions.  I’m honestly sitting here wracking my brain and I can’t come up with a damn thing that will change the way we are medically treated in this country.  At least not any time soon.  There are extremely bright, intelligent men and women in this world who could and SHOULD attempt to make a change in the curative direction.  I believe it may take the undiagnosed illnesses of quite a few of these geniuses before we see anything remotely close to an attempt in change.  As a doctor, if you suffer no consequences for your actions, or in this case inaction, why would you change on your own?  Have you been fucked over by the insurance company that pays you?  Has it taken 3 months to see your $300-an-office appointment payment for your patients?  Poor baby.  I’ll bet you don’t have to keep your furnace a little lower than normal because you don’t have the money to pay your utility bill.

That’s all I’ve got.  I literally have no idea what to do. We are spiraling out of control in a downward motion.  It’s time for doctors to wise the fuck up.  Get your asses up in the morning and make a difference, because it might just mean the difference in your patient’s life.  If it only changes one little illness that they’ve got going on, do it.  If it means that they stop waking up in pain, trying to function at work, at home, in their minds.  We are talking about the sanity of a human being.  We NEED help.  We can Google the shit out of our symptoms, researching why we feel the way we do, but we aren’t able to do a damn thing about it on our own.  We need your help and we are paying you to help us, many times breaking our budgets and going without to visit you and take your suggestive drugs.  Do you know that we cut our family vacation out this summer because we are taking your prescribed medicine and getting your conventional first step MRIs and Xrays, with only a slight chance of feeling better?  Do you care?  Are you listening you money hungry ignorant fucks?  Hey and while we’re on the subject, I like that Mercedes ya got parked out behind your office.  Thanks for moving my appointment that’s been scheduled three months in advance to another month because you’re leaving the office early that day for your trip to Spain.  Enjoy your infinity pool and $500 vacation dinners while I rest my throbbing head in a dark, quiet room unable to lead a normal life.  How’s that private school you send little Jimmy to?  Oh yeah, have I mentioned that I forgot to sign my kid’s permission slip for a field trip before he left for the school bus this morning, because I was suffering from a bout of I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE disease?  Ya, that happened.

I will however promise you this:  I anticipate an extreme rise in the number of suicides in the United States in the upcoming few years.  I believe we will see an increase in such epic proportions that those considering entering the medical field will instead opt for that of funeral director/cremation provider.  It’s going to be BIG business.  At the rate we are being misdiagnosed and even not diagnosed at all, I feel like many will have no where else to turn.  Before you start texting or emailing me, I’m fine.  I’m not planning my demise now or in the near future.  As most of you may know, I’m one of those people who really refuses to give up.  I might not have a lot of company, unfortunately.  I have felt the effects of being kind of thrown around and treated/mistreated for many of my health dilemmas, but as I said, I’m not a quitter.  That’s not to say that anyone who decides to go a different route is, but having an overwhelming, daily feeling of malaise, it can take its toll on you, both physically as well as mentally and possibly spiritually.  How long should you be asked to try a drug, have a test and return in three months to see how it worked out for you?  Return in three months only to have your medicine increased and asked to return in three more months, never feeling any better.  Years of that HAS to take its toll.  If you can get up each morning and be hopeful that one day you’ll be cured, you’re a few steps ahead of the proverbial mind game.

My fear is that some are getting tired of playing the game.