Category Archives: tim mcgraw

Some Days are Bad

As I sit here trying to remember the last time I felt this way I can honestly say I don’t remember how long it’s been.  Knowing my state of mind right now I would say that’s a good thing.

We can all agree that some days are better than others.  Sometimes we just shrug off the little irritations and easily move on.  Other days it might be a bit more hard but we don’t fall into deep despair.  For whatever reason we just don’t.  If  I knew the reason that we didn’t fall deep I would write and talk and even scream it from the rooftops so that I could save everyone who ever thought of leaving this world.  But the truth is no one knows the answer because there IS no answer.  The simplest sensitivity can spiral so far out of control that contemplating self destruction appears to be the only answer.  It’s obviously not but it FEELS that way.  It truly does.  And I’m here to tell you that all of the things that you are supposed to tell yourself don’t work:  “This too shall pass”, “give it to God”, “change the way you think about the situation”.  In fact self dialogue can be detrimental to your health.  Seriously, at this point YOU should NOT be having a conversation by yourself about your problems.  You can inflict a pain so excruciating that it may difficult if not impossible to turn back.  And now you know what happens to some people and why they leave us.

Many people don’t understand what it’s like to be so low that you don’t see way of getting back up.  The light at the end of the tunnel is so dim and that tunnel keeps getting longer and longer until the only vision you have is complete darkness.  It’s easy for certain people to judge and tell us that they would never contemplate ending their life.  Good for you, but that has absolutely no bearing on someone who does, and you saying that doesn’t make them feel better, often times only worse.

I’m not killing myself.  I never want to get myself into that kind of predicament again.  I was there, twice.  The view from the hell that you’re living in is so painful that you become numb to most of the precious things the world has to offer.  Music no longer changes your soul.  Humor evolves into blah blah blah, make it stop.  You morph into this human in a makeshift cocoon-like state, wondering endlessly around like a blind animal.

Some days are bad.  Today was bad.  One of the worst.  However I’m still here, writing my blog and coming to terms with my feelings.  I’m alone and that’s good.  Well I’m not really alone, I’ve got Florence and the Machine.  Today we identify.  Now if you don’t mind I’m gonna go pull the earth around me.  Please enjoy:






This Place About to Blow


For the past approximately three years I’ve had a lot of stomach issues.  I’ve been diagnosed with a variety of illnesses, but one thing still holds true, NOTHING HAS CHANGED!

Fast forward to this week.  My daughter introduced me to a new breakfast invention.  You see, for the past few years I’ve eaten yogurt with granola.  Literally every day.  I would crave it.  I’d go to bed dreaming about it and wake up thinking about it.  My delicious dessert like breakfast.  Over the holiday break (I was off work for about a week and a half), I stopped eating my daily feast.  And guess what?  Yep, I STOPPED having stomach issues!  All the while I thought I was doing something good for my body.  Keeping the overgrowth of yeast away with my greek strawberry delectables.  Cranberries and almonds dancing around the oats was good for me, right?  Who cares that I was probably consuming about 800 calories for breakfast?  I was so bloated and gassy by about 2pm that I couldn’t eat dinner.  And so the cycle began.  Snacking on horrible chips at night because I couldn’t “stomach” a full dinner.  Waking in the morning famished and ready to eat the heaven on earth bowl of goodness I desired so much.

But I’m not going to talk about my lack of good caloric choices. Nooooo, I’m going to talk about my newly found breakfast.  Vanilla yogurt, oatmeal, blueberries and chia seeds with a lil milk.  Mix that sucker together and you’ve got yourself a great morning meal with a lot less sugar and a lot more protein and fiber.

Did you hear what I said?  A LOT MORE FIBER!

Do you know what a bunch of fiber added to your diet all of a sudden does?  You don’t?  Did you click on the video link at the beginning of this blog?  Well go do it now, I’ll wait…..

tap, tap, tap….

You back yet?  Good.  Now watch this:


I am counting down the minutes until I can haul this puckered ass to the car and let loose.  I mean my stomach is gurgling and my ass cheeks are getting the workout of their lives trying to close over this old, apparently less tight than it used to be (a LOT less) ass.  I’ve prayed to God that I don’t have to sneeze.  I will pee my pants and probably let out the loudest, longest fart in history.  I’ll have to quit my job, move to a fart friendly country and live out the rest of my years attempting to be the first person who develops an anal exercise.  You’ve heard of kegels for your vagina?  Why not something for your asshole?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve walked to the kitchen and started putting dishes away because I had to let out a quick fart, and I’ve even impressed myself in the morning with some of the longest farts I’ve ever heard.  (My youngest son would be so surprised).  I remember years ago when I had walked into his room to put some clothes away and accidentally let one escape.  He asked if I farted….and I did my best impression of “mad mom-how dare you” face, told him absolutely not and exited the room.  He never asked again.

I’ve waited til my husband went to the kitchen for a drink and silently let out some air while I moved around on the couch, pushing my toes against the leather ottoman so that if he snuck back in it would appear that the noise coming from me was from something other than my anatomy.

I know that it’s more acceptable for men to fart than women, but I think that that’s only because we don’t want to draw attention to our body’s natural reaction to having something it deems undesirable in our body.

And who knew that my body decided mother fucking chia seeds was undesirable?  How do I know it was those dreaded tiny teeny bastards?  I googled it, of course.  Seems a lot of people struggle with Chia Farts.  I even googled how to get rid of gas fast.  I contemplated ramming a hose (no, not up my ass) into my mouth and turning it on to re-invade my gut with a flushing type of remedy.  Unfortunately, or FORTUNATELY as the case may be, no such hose is available here at work.  So I drink water out of a bottle.  You see water is the ticket to getting those minute, agony causing pricks moving through the internal pluming.

Do you know what the water is doing to these cute lil guys?  You guessed again…’s making them swell up in my stomach and now I look like a big ole red Christmas bulb, round as can be.

I have to laugh, because working where I do, I work with about 5 people all in the same room, and it’s very very quiet.  Except for my stomach which has decided to start gurgling and making very weird, almost sounding like human words-sounds.  All of a sudden.  No warning, I can’t open a drawer or try to dial my desk phone on speaker to cover it up.  I’m violently typing and that’s not even working.  It keeps saying, “ohhhhhhhh, or ewwwwww”. Long too, as the air is making its way through my intestines.  Can you believe I ate these little fuckers at 8:30 and the air is only half way through my gut?  I think the water might be making it worse.  They’re growing fins and starting to swim against the current.

I’ve often thought of writing about my airy issues, but felt that it wasn’t the best topic to talk about, being a prissy girl and all.   You all know I’m only doing this (typing) to try and cover up SOME of the noise, right?  Where does all the gas go if you NEVER let it out?  It’s probably absorbed somehow into the body.

I’m not editing this, because I have to leave work now.  I shouldn’t have to stop for gas on the way home, I’m guessing I’ve got enough to drive to the state of California right now.

Click to laugh!




What is Love?

I just remembered that my husband has an appointment with a cardiologist today.  In fact, he just called…..which is something that occurs regularly.  I may pick up the phone to call him, and the phone will ring with him on the other end, and vice versa.  Now one could look at that as a sort of “meant to be” relationship.  I used to, but I’m not necessarily sure about that now.  Regardless, it happens…which brings me to writing this blog today.

What is love?  I’m sure we can all attest to some of the “things” we love in life.  Why does chocolate always come to mind first?  It does for me, anyway.  A soft rain on a quiet evening.  Getting all green lights when you’re in a hurry.  I’m sure there are many “loves” that we take for granted, but what about real love.  I’m sure if you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you know I have BIG LOVE for my kids, that’s a given.  But what if you’re in kind of a rocky relationship.  Is it possible to actually still love that person.  Is it a different love?  I mean, it’s obviously different than it was when you were dating and married but still pretty much getting along.  What happens when you kind of fall out of love with your significant other, but you still care.  Is that love?  It’s a general caring, but does that go under the “love” heading?

He’s seeing a doctor for an enlarged heart (cardomegaly).  Can you believe I just googled the symptoms and causes?  Again, those of you who know me KNOW that I would have googled that two months ago when I made his appointment.  So sitting here at my desk and reading the causes, I kinda got sick to my stomach, for a couple of reasons.  First off, there are the “what ifs”.  What if it’s bad, requires surgery?   What if it changes his work schedule?  He’s not a friend to change, they battle literally all day every day.  What if medication changes his personality.  Okay, I just giggled a bit, that might actually be AWESOME.  What if today, our lives will change significantly and maybe not for the better?  I mean I care if he lives or dies, that’s for sure, and not just for monetary reasons.  I don’t wish bad things on him, other than an occasional mild case of dysentery.  Maybe a bad haircut which accentuates his larger facial features.  Wearing a clothing tag on his jeans, you know the one that’s a long, see thru tape with the size printed on it about 20 times?  Those kinds of things I’ve wished for sure.

Having just read an article that strongly suggested telling the ones you love that you do indeed LOVE them, simply because you just never know when you may not have the opportunity to do so.  I get that, I really do. So what do you call what you feel for the person who doesn’t give you butterflies anymore?  The person who makes you mad more than happy?  I can’t even say “I like you a lot”…..but I can’t say I hate you.  So…..what is that kind of love?

I’m going to go home and wait for him to let me know how the appointment went.  He won’t call and tell me about his appointment.  He’ll want to tell me face to face, he loves my undivided attention.  I’ll have questions and he won’t have answers, that’s a given.  His “head in the sand” mentality will shine brightly today.  So we’ll see, but in the meantime, have a  listen to this song by Tim McGraw.  Every single time I hear it I think of our relationship.