For the past approximately three years I’ve had a lot of stomach issues. I’ve been diagnosed with a variety of illnesses, but one thing still holds true, NOTHING HAS CHANGED!
Fast forward to this week. My daughter introduced me to a new breakfast invention. You see, for the past few years I’ve eaten yogurt with granola. Literally every day. I would crave it. I’d go to bed dreaming about it and wake up thinking about it. My delicious dessert like breakfast. Over the holiday break (I was off work for about a week and a half), I stopped eating my daily feast. And guess what? Yep, I STOPPED having stomach issues! All the while I thought I was doing something good for my body. Keeping the overgrowth of yeast away with my greek strawberry delectables. Cranberries and almonds dancing around the oats was good for me, right? Who cares that I was probably consuming about 800 calories for breakfast? I was so bloated and gassy by about 2pm that I couldn’t eat dinner. And so the cycle began. Snacking on horrible chips at night because I couldn’t “stomach” a full dinner. Waking in the morning famished and ready to eat the heaven on earth bowl of goodness I desired so much.
But I’m not going to talk about my lack of good caloric choices. Nooooo, I’m going to talk about my newly found breakfast. Vanilla yogurt, oatmeal, blueberries and chia seeds with a lil milk. Mix that sucker together and you’ve got yourself a great morning meal with a lot less sugar and a lot more protein and fiber.
Did you hear what I said? A LOT MORE FIBER!
Do you know what a bunch of fiber added to your diet all of a sudden does? You don’t? Did you click on the video link at the beginning of this blog? Well go do it now, I’ll wait…..
tap, tap, tap….
You back yet? Good. Now watch this:
I am counting down the minutes until I can haul this puckered ass to the car and let loose. I mean my stomach is gurgling and my ass cheeks are getting the workout of their lives trying to close over this old, apparently less tight than it used to be (a LOT less) ass. I’ve prayed to God that I don’t have to sneeze. I will pee my pants and probably let out the loudest, longest fart in history. I’ll have to quit my job, move to a fart friendly country and live out the rest of my years attempting to be the first person who develops an anal exercise. You’ve heard of kegels for your vagina? Why not something for your asshole?
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve walked to the kitchen and started putting dishes away because I had to let out a quick fart, and I’ve even impressed myself in the morning with some of the longest farts I’ve ever heard. (My youngest son would be so surprised). I remember years ago when I had walked into his room to put some clothes away and accidentally let one escape. He asked if I farted….and I did my best impression of “mad mom-how dare you” face, told him absolutely not and exited the room. He never asked again.
I’ve waited til my husband went to the kitchen for a drink and silently let out some air while I moved around on the couch, pushing my toes against the leather ottoman so that if he snuck back in it would appear that the noise coming from me was from something other than my anatomy.
I know that it’s more acceptable for men to fart than women, but I think that that’s only because we don’t want to draw attention to our body’s natural reaction to having something it deems undesirable in our body.
And who knew that my body decided mother fucking chia seeds was undesirable? How do I know it was those dreaded tiny teeny bastards? I googled it, of course. Seems a lot of people struggle with Chia Farts. I even googled how to get rid of gas fast. I contemplated ramming a hose (no, not up my ass) into my mouth and turning it on to re-invade my gut with a flushing type of remedy. Unfortunately, or FORTUNATELY as the case may be, no such hose is available here at work. So I drink water out of a bottle. You see water is the ticket to getting those minute, agony causing pricks moving through the internal pluming.
Do you know what the water is doing to these cute lil guys? You guessed again…..it’s making them swell up in my stomach and now I look like a big ole red Christmas bulb, round as can be.
I have to laugh, because working where I do, I work with about 5 people all in the same room, and it’s very very quiet. Except for my stomach which has decided to start gurgling and making very weird, almost sounding like human words-sounds. All of a sudden. No warning, I can’t open a drawer or try to dial my desk phone on speaker to cover it up. I’m violently typing and that’s not even working. It keeps saying, “ohhhhhhhh, or ewwwwww”. Long too, as the air is making its way through my intestines. Can you believe I ate these little fuckers at 8:30 and the air is only half way through my gut? I think the water might be making it worse. They’re growing fins and starting to swim against the current.
I’ve often thought of writing about my airy issues, but felt that it wasn’t the best topic to talk about, being a prissy girl and all. You all know I’m only doing this (typing) to try and cover up SOME of the noise, right? Where does all the gas go if you NEVER let it out? It’s probably absorbed somehow into the body.
I’m not editing this, because I have to leave work now. I shouldn’t have to stop for gas on the way home, I’m guessing I’ve got enough to drive to the state of California right now.