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When I write my blog, I really try to convey the way I feel about a certain subject.  Me.  As many times as I’ve tried to figure out the “why’s” surrounding certain dilemmas in my life, I try very very hard not to judge another person’s perception of what they believe to be reality, because that will get you into trouble.  Every. Single. Time.

Age makes you wiser, if only about yourself.  Luckily I’ve been able to determine what makes me tick.  The little nuances that make my life my own.  Only I can feel the way “I” feel.  I can be judged on my actions by others, but I know who I am.  I know what makes me happy, sad, angry, etc.

If I ever say that I meant no ill will, I’m not exaggerating.  I get mad like the rest of us, but I make every attempt not to retaliate.  I can say there have only been a couple of times in my life where I felt vindicated by a random act of revenge.  And even my form of revenge is pretty much non-threatening.  It just makes me feel better….

A little over a week ago I got a phone call that I realize has changed so many lives, instantaneously.  The depth of the sadness has yet to be completely seen, and I pray that the intensity of the matter keeps itself relatively contained to allow all in it’s path of mental stability AND instability to grieve however their bodies need to.  There is no cookie-cutter way to grieve,  we all do it in different ways.  I think it has a lot to do with a person’s perception of the events, as well as their perception of their own life.

I’ve had some time to think about the significant departure of a human being that for all intents and purposes created a lot of “life” in this world.   I’ve kind of been on the outside looking in, a quiet spectator of sorts.  I’ve reached out to a few of the people who were closest to this individual and have listened to and read stories about her life.  Her mark in the world.  Now I won’t pretend to completely know this creature who now resides in Heaven with all her glamorous eccentricities.  I had a friendly connection, only being allowed to see a one side of what truly made this girl who she was.  The one constant reminder of her life was that she was  passionate.  One of the most passionate people that I know.  I find a real connection in that, not sure why.  If that girl loved you, she loved you HARD.  In the same token, if she disliked you, you felt her wrath.  What once was considered a transparent personality, many have found that she was not as cut and dry as originally thought.  The nuances surrounding her life were as detailed and closely guarded as one that you might find in an average undercover operation.  She only let you see what she wanted you to see, and each view was different depending on your relationship with her.

Her existence in this world will forever be a complex inquisition for many of her loved ones and close friends.  As much as she was “out there”,  she was also more grounded and in touch with her purpose than possibly anyone will ever know.  We like to put people into a specific class.  It makes us feel better.  Let’s label them, we’ll be able to sleep better at night knowing that we’ve categorized them into a specific file, in a distinct box according to their behavior toward us.  We judge.  We assume that we know what they are going through in their lives, why they acted as they did.  In our minds we have figured out what makes them tick, why their auspicious  future seemed to take a vacation South.  If we try to pinpoint the exact time in which they fell short of our expectations, we can somehow reside to the fact that we can hold no fault in our own actions, it’s “them” not “us”.  I mean, how many times have you just looked at someone and thought to yourself, “glad it’s them and not me”?  Or “wow, who lives their life like that”?  I probably think that way on a daily basis.

On a side note, as I’m typing this, and it’s taken me a few days to do it.   As I start and stop several times, I continue to get an “unresponsive script” error message.  In one of my previous blogs, “Signs”, you will understand that I’m a firm believer in signs, and I’m taking this as just another sign from beyond.  It’s kind of comforting knowing that she’s here with me, joking around and probably laughing her ass off as I try to get through this computer glitch.  Typical of her humor I bet.

I envision this beautiful young girl, long brown hair blowing in the wind, riding off on her wild horse into her new home, making it her own.


Time to Say Goodbye

I have a job interview today.  The job is selling cemetery plots.  I would basically double my income.  I’m apprehensive.

Why you ask?  It’s a no brainer!  More money? Hell yes.

No, not quite.  My interview is not until later this afternoon, and the thoughts racing through my head are all over the board.  I was actually okay until I spoke with my friend Paulette last night.  I really was.  But she inserted a few questions into my head that I hadn’t really thought of.  Do I really WANT to sell cemetery plots?  Is that what I want to spend my life doing?  Will I find satisfaction in helping a grieving family locate a final burial place for their loved one? Sure, I’m a very caring person.  I know that to be one of my truths.  The job I will hold will be surrounded by constant sadness and tears.  I already cry watching the freaking news, will I be able to hold it together when it comes to sorrow and bereavement?

I just don’t know.

Another thought:  Do I want to add 20-30 minutes additional commute time to and from work? Sure, I like driving, but will it be okay in the winter, where in Pittsburgh the prediction is snowmageddon   2015?  I’m due for another car, even though I love my Toyota 4-runner, it’s not gonna last forever.  Making more money would allow me to get the car I want, not the car my husband wants me to drive.

This job kinda hit me broadside and I wasn’t prepared yet to move on.  I wasn’t actively looking for a new and exciting environment.  I’m not completely happy where I am now, but is anyone ever head over heels in love with their job?  I haven’t met anyone who falls into that euphoric category.  I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, it just doesn’t in my small circle of friends and acquaintances.

So today I struggle with making a change.  I’ve already been offered the job in my head.  I might be overly confident, but hey, I’m the total package right?  I’ve got brains and guts and a empathetic personality that genuinely loves and cares for most people.  Wow, that sounds like the closing sentence to my “tell me about yourself” answer, doesn’t it?

So is it time to say goodbye?  For many people today, they will bid their final farewell to someone who held a place in their heart.

I may be doing the same.  I’ll keep you posted!